My National Novel-Writing Novel Has Jumped The Shark

Me: So… what did you think of the novel, then? Please be brutally honest.

A_____: (attempting to be diplomatic) It’s okay. I liked bits of it but thought as a whole it needed a bit more structure. I like the premise and I can see a possible ending, but it does sag dreadfully in the middle.

Me: Fair point, after all I am attempting to write the whole thing in the space of a month… and I am not a proper writer yet. It’s part of this National Novel Writing Month thing. Although I’m not a citizen of the nation in question, it is still allowed for me to enter. Which can only be a good thing.

A_____: It’s an admirable thing to attempt, I must say. How does it work?

Me: In short you have a month to write 50,000 words. As the month is November, you get 30 days, which makes about 1,667 words per day.

A_____: And how are you getting on with it? You’re behind I take it?

Me: (mock-indignant) How dare you? (normal tone) Yes, yes I am. As I’ve mentioned countless times before, I have no discipline. I’m trying though. I don’t think I’m going to manage it this time. I’ve done much better than previous years, but I still haven’t quite made it yet.

A_____: There’s always next year.

Me: Yes, indeed there is. And it’s all good practice for my writing. Let’s face it I need the practice.

A_____: Yes. One thing I’d like to ask you…

Me: Yes?

A_____: The character of “Ariane”. Is she based on me?

Me: (defensively) Why would you say that?

A_____: Well our name’s begin with same letter for one. Secondly she’s the same age as me and from your description she looks like me. Thirdly some of the events that take place between Ariane and the narrator are clearly based on events in our shared history. I assume the narrator is based on you. He certainly talks like you.

Me: Oh he is based on me. He does a different job and is approximately 20% more misogynistic, but he does share a lot of my traits, exaggerated for dramatic effect.

A_____: (laughing) And he is completely dripping with lust for this Ariane character. (short pause, teasing tone) Are you dripping with lust for me then?

Me: (a bit too quickly) No, no of course not. Actually the character is based on two people. You’re one of them, but part of the character is based on someone I used to work with.

A_____: And are you dripping with lust for her?

Me: No, not really. Look, the character does a lot of things that I would do, but he isn’t actually me.

A_____: Have you shown her the book yet?

Me: No, I haven’t. Now I don’t want to be rude, but she’d be too nice. I know you’d tell it like it is.

A_____: Good point. Although there’s still one thing I don’t get…

Me: Yes?

A_____: Why I’m talking in this strange way. I don’t normally talk like this.

Me: I’m paraphrasing our conversation. It would have been a bit odd to have taped it.

A_____: I’m not sure I believe you.

Me: Okay, I admit it. I haven’t really shown you the book at all. In fact this entire conversation is taking place within my own head.

A_____: Well that certainly explains a few things, chief amonsgt them being why I was talking like you, rather than my normal speech patterns.

Me: Yes, sorry about that. But until I become a proper writer, I’m not going to be very good at writing convincing dialogue.

A_____: So, this conversation is how you imagine the real conversation we would have been having had you showed me some of the book?

Me: Yes.

A_____: Except for the rather unconvincing dialogue.

Me: Yes, sorry about that.

A_____: It’s okay. But this has made me think, why haven’t you shown me the book? Is it because you are afraid I’ll be critical? I don’t think so, as you’ve stated before you chose to show it to me precisely because I am critical and will tell you what you should be told rather than what you want to hear. I can only conclude that it is because I will notice that the character is based on me, because it clearly is, despite what you say about it being based on someone else, and you are concerned I will then think you are infatuated with me and act accordingly and everything will be awkward.

Me: Yes, that’s me bang to rights.

A_____: Furthermore, this is exactly what happens in the book so this entire conversation has quite an intertextual feel to it.

Me: What stink of artifice.

A_____: Couldn’t have put it better myself. (pause, sudden distressed look) You’re not going to put this conversation in the novel are you? Because that really would not be a good idea. It would seriously look like you’re running out of ideas and resorting to tawdry metafictional games.

Me: I am planning to put this in the book.

A_____: Well, that doesn’t surprise me in the least.

Week Ending

Reading the Guardian weekend magazine does strange things to my brain. I’m not sure what exactly: it’s not like I’m consumed by rage, or class envy or boredom it’s just, well, ennui.

Take this week’s example, apparently Tim Dowling is growing a beard (and they say Twitter is inane) and beards in general are “going up”, something to do with David Beckham apparently. Keith Flett must be dancing for joy.

Oh and Lucy Mangan, it’s people eating Kit-kats like they’re normal chocolate bars.

And people sweeping on a wet surface.

Thanks.

Inaugural Teh Pullitzar Prize!11!!lol

Now that October’s Gashlycrumb Tinies-esque experiment is over, I can return to normal blogging, which is a relief. I’m not the most topical of bloggers, but I do like to be able to react to current events.

On the apparently sandwich-eating-featuring twitter, Patroclus and myself discussed there being a possibility of there being a Pulitzer Prize for citizen journalism, with a potential prize made out of sweet wrappers. To avoid getting sued and to make the name more intertubey, it has been changed slightly to that above.

What with me supposedly doing the old National Novel Writing Month, blogging should be lighter this month, so what I’d like is your suggestions of your favourite bits of citizen journalism.

It can be anything you like really, just something interesting off a blog really.

Who knows, this may become a regular feature, if I can be bothered and I get enough suggestions (hint hint)

October Blog Experiment Part 26: “Z” Is For Zippity Doo-Dah

Well this is it. I have spent a whole month going through the alphabet with blog post after blog post.

How was it? Well it was a mixed bag, to put it mildly. The fact that I HAD to do the blog posts (I’d promised) provided my incentive, but reading through the whole thing, I can really see the dips where I just couldn’t be bothered. I’m not sure they’re visible to anyone else, but I can see them (it’s like hearing a recording of your voice) and they make me cringe every time.

Blog posts should, all being well, be rather sparse in the next month as I will be attempting to write a novel. I have tried this twice before and have failed both times. I don’t think I will succeed this time, but the aim is get much nearer this time.

If I completely fuck it up then blog posts will be forthcoming. In an ideal world, I will still be doing blog posts as a break. As to how many, I will see.

See you on the other side.

October Blog Experiment Part 25: “Y” Is For Yani

My knowledge of Greek musicians is rather limited. I’ll admit not to having heard of this Γιάννης Χρυσομάλλης fellow. I am familiar with Ευάγγελος Οδυσσέας Παπαθανασίου but that’s about it.

According to Wikipedia:

His music is frequently described as “new age, though he prefers the term “contemporary instrumental”.

I can’t say I blame him. Here’s one of his tunes:

Love Greek moustaches.

October Blog Experiment Part 24: “X” Is For Xenon Flashes

X is always a problem when you are compiling alphabetical lists.  Recall those lists with pictures you used to get as a child, often they’d end up with some odd word like “xylophone” or “xenophobia”*

Likewise with this experiment the same problem rears its ugly head. I didn’t end up cheating and using words like “eXtra” or some similar monstrosity, but I am hampered by my lack of knowledge of “xenon flashes”.

I know what xenon is, it’s a noble or inert gas, but I’m not sure if it flashes. Surely it is neon that is the flashing neon gas, if such a designation is allowed amongst chemists.

* I may have made that one up.

October Blog Experiment Part 23: “W” Is For Wastrel

Writing a list of things to do is a good start. A good start to the list is “actually sort out some of this appalling fucking mess” and then breaking it down into areas and types of fucking mess.

Makes the job more palitable.

It also has the advantage of delaying the moment at which clearing up the mess must commence. For added delays, try adding things like “make a cup of tea”, “drink a cup of tea”, “take you shoes off and put them on the coffee table”. This makes the list longer and as everyone knows, a longer list is better. Especially if you can immediately tick off several items on it.

October Blog Experiment Part 22: “V” Is For Veritable Feast

Greek yogurt.

Tinned peaches.

Bread.

Pickled onions.

Tomatoes.

Chick Peas.

Butter.

Lettuce.

Gherkins.

Cheese.

Quiche.

Garlic Bread.

Erm… ice.

Now what do I do with it?

October Blog Experiment Part 21: “U” Is For Untoward

I have been given 2 sets of U-Z suggestions. I will therefore alternate. Thanks for those!

That’s a bit off, I couldn’t help thinking, then realising I was in danger of becoming a stereotype. I vowed never to finish a sentence with “pip! pip”. After all you can’t be too careful.

I’ve been stressed. But never filmed doing it, thankfully.

Still he resigned. Before he was pushed. In front of a train.

October Blog Experiment Part 20: “T” Is For Trepanning

This is my last letter. If anyone is still reading this, I’d like some suggestions for U-Z please. Nearly finished. *takes deep breath*

As this experiment enters it’s final week (6 more to do after this, folks. I bet you’re all sighing in relief, that’s if there’s anyone still out there reading this increasingly prolific drivel) I feel like I can start to reflect on how it went.

It went okay.

I thought I was never going to make it, that the whole thing would peter out, but dammit I said I was going to do it and do it I am doing.

I had grander plans of course, don’t we always? Subverting the form and such like, coming up with ever more wonderful blog posts and managing to do it every single week day into the bargain.

It wasn’t to be though.

That said, I’m glad I did it. It give me some meaning in my otherwise pointless life and enabled me to indulge myself without worrying about the consequences.

It’s like the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, this.

And I need that like I need a hole in the head.