Basically Speaking

Well, basically, there was this guy I used to work with and basically he used to say “basically” quite a lot, you know? Basically, he’d often basically use the rising intonation at the end of his sentences, right?

Basically, as he was my line manager I basically couldn’t go on about it, because basically it’s not really basically the done thing. Therefore I used to basically say basically all the time when he wasn’t around, like? Basically the rising intonation also something got outings, basically? Basically I was taking the piss, basically in the most basically puerile way possible, basically behind someone’s back.

Basically the basic problem arose basically during a team meeting where basically I accidentally said “basically” and this was a bad thing right? Basically I was worried basically he’d think I was taking the piss out of him, basically for saying “basically” so often, as well as the rising intonation that he sometimes used basically? Basically I wasn’t taking the piss out of him, basically on this occasion, but there basically were many times when basically I was so basically although I was basically in the right in this occasion, basically I hadn’t been before, which basically made me embarrassed and basically close to laughing which basically would be a bad idea because basically I’d have to basically explain why I was basically laughing and it wouldn’t be pleasant, no? Basically especially when combined with the basically occasional basically rising intonation?

Basically I had to basically bite my tongue and resume banging on about basically the same pointless usual shit I basically banged about in the norm, like?

I haven’t said “basically” in years, basically. It was stressful, basically?

Plastic People

When I was a young child, I had a toy oven. This must have had some effect on me, as the only practical thing I have even the remotest talent for is cooking.

• Bleeding radiators? No!
• Changing a fuse? No!
• Knitting? No!
• Drawing? No!
• Keeping everything in strict alphabetical order? No!
• Cooking, as long as it is relatively straightforward? Hell yeah!

What I find quite amusing is that apparently a lot of friends of my parents had a bit of a problem with this: “He’s a boy, he should have guns and cars and balls and be punching people smaller than him and all the stuff boys are supposed to have.” Yet more amusing is the fact some of the people who said this were supposedly right-on and were now showing their true colours. Like they say, annoying a square is easy, it’s much more of an achievement to annoy someone who thinks that they’re hip.

This whole situation was bought back to me in sharp relief when I found this article in the Daily Mail:

Chemicals used in plastics feminise the brains of little boys ’so that they avoid rough and tumble games’

According to the article:-

Chemicals used in plastics are ‘feminising’ the brains of baby boys, a disturbing study shows.

Those exposed to high doses in the womb are less likely to play with ‘male’ toys such as cars. They are also less willing to join ‘rough and tumble’ games.

(by the way, does anyone else hate the way when you copy and paste from the Daily Mail website it insists of copying across the whole link)

‘This feminising capacity of phthalates makes them true “gender benders”. Clearly the boys who have been studied are still young, but reduced masculine play at this age may lead to other ” feminised development” in later life.

My God, it’s all becoming clear now. Obviously I was exposed to plastic in the womb and that explains why I am not a true man as I think cars are stupid and don’t do proper manly things.

As usual with the Daily Mail, the comments are the place to head for reasoned liberal debate:

(I know, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel but give my feminised brain a break here)

This is true, it is also causing a fall in driving standards.

- Joseph Le Blanc, Nottingham, 16/11/2009 22:32

Yeah because all woman are shit drivers right? Ha, ha I think I just coughed up a lung.

When we live in a society where Zac Effron is what is regarded as “attractive” no wonder boys are growing up to be feminine. What will happen to our males? Who knows. Let us beat it out of them. Plastic is not to blame.

- Angus Campbell, Swindon, 16/11/2009 18:07

Yes, Angus. Beat, beat those stupid effeminate children who aspire to be Zac Efron. It’s the only language they understand outside that of musical theatre.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to eat my dinner WHICH I DIDN’T EVEN GET A WOMAN TO COOK and then I might read a book INSTEAD OF GETTING DRUNK AND PUNCHING SOMEONE and in the morning I’m off to work on the tube INSTEAD OF DRIVING LIKE A REAL MAN.

I Won’t Do That Unless You Pay Me A Tenner Extra

Everyone knows that prostitution is the oldest profession, but not everyone can get a book deal out of it. Sometimes you just get sneered at by people like Richard Littlejohn.

Sorry to interrupt the blogpost, but I can’t mention Littlejohn without linking to this really.

Back to the blogpost, now we’ve all joked about exchanging money for “sexual favours”. All very hilarious, but what’s the going rate?

My research has revealed the following, which took ages and isn’t that up to date. Where’s Boswell when you need him?

Penny = French kiss

Threepenny Opera = Intercrural

Florin = Baseball

Half-crown = Kegal

50p = Piledriver

10 bob = Nyotaimori (刺身 extra)

Sovereign = Food Play (cream pie extra)

Maundy  Money = Ookie Cookie

Guinea = Dirty Sanchez

Lady Godiva = Rusty Trombone

Scottish £10 note = Lipstick lesbian

My National Novel-Writing Novel Has Jumped The Shark

Me: So… what did you think of the novel, then? Please be brutally honest.

A_____: (attempting to be diplomatic) It’s okay. I liked bits of it but thought as a whole it needed a bit more structure. I like the premise and I can see a possible ending, but it does sag dreadfully in the middle.

Me: Fair point, after all I am attempting to write the whole thing in the space of a month… and I am not a proper writer yet. It’s part of this National Novel Writing Month thing. Although I’m not a citizen of the nation in question, it is still allowed for me to enter. Which can only be a good thing.

A_____: It’s an admirable thing to attempt, I must say. How does it work?

Me: In short you have a month to write 50,000 words. As the month is November, you get 30 days, which makes about 1,667 words per day.

A_____: And how are you getting on with it? You’re behind I take it?

Me: (mock-indignant) How dare you? (normal tone) Yes, yes I am. As I’ve mentioned countless times before, I have no discipline. I’m trying though. I don’t think I’m going to manage it this time. I’ve done much better than previous years, but I still haven’t quite made it yet.

A_____: There’s always next year.

Me: Yes, indeed there is. And it’s all good practice for my writing. Let’s face it I need the practice.

A_____: Yes. One thing I’d like to ask you…

Me: Yes?

A_____: The character of “Ariane”. Is she based on me?

Me: (defensively) Why would you say that?

A_____: Well our name’s begin with same letter for one. Secondly she’s the same age as me and from your description she looks like me. Thirdly some of the events that take place between Ariane and the narrator are clearly based on events in our shared history. I assume the narrator is based on you. He certainly talks like you.

Me: Oh he is based on me. He does a different job and is approximately 20% more misogynistic, but he does share a lot of my traits, exaggerated for dramatic effect.

A_____: (laughing) And he is completely dripping with lust for this Ariane character. (short pause, teasing tone) Are you dripping with lust for me then?

Me: (a bit too quickly) No, no of course not. Actually the character is based on two people. You’re one of them, but part of the character is based on someone I used to work with.

A_____: And are you dripping with lust for her?

Me: No, not really. Look, the character does a lot of things that I would do, but he isn’t actually me.

A_____: Have you shown her the book yet?

Me: No, I haven’t. Now I don’t want to be rude, but she’d be too nice. I know you’d tell it like it is.

A_____: Good point. Although there’s still one thing I don’t get…

Me: Yes?

A_____: Why I’m talking in this strange way. I don’t normally talk like this.

Me: I’m paraphrasing our conversation. It would have been a bit odd to have taped it.

A_____: I’m not sure I believe you.

Me: Okay, I admit it. I haven’t really shown you the book at all. In fact this entire conversation is taking place within my own head.

A_____: Well that certainly explains a few things, chief amonsgt them being why I was talking like you, rather than my normal speech patterns.

Me: Yes, sorry about that. But until I become a proper writer, I’m not going to be very good at writing convincing dialogue.

A_____: So, this conversation is how you imagine the real conversation we would have been having had you showed me some of the book?

Me: Yes.

A_____: Except for the rather unconvincing dialogue.

Me: Yes, sorry about that.

A_____: It’s okay. But this has made me think, why haven’t you shown me the book? Is it because you are afraid I’ll be critical? I don’t think so, as you’ve stated before you chose to show it to me precisely because I am critical and will tell you what you should be told rather than what you want to hear. I can only conclude that it is because I will notice that the character is based on me, because it clearly is, despite what you say about it being based on someone else, and you are concerned I will then think you are infatuated with me and act accordingly and everything will be awkward.

Me: Yes, that’s me bang to rights.

A_____: Furthermore, this is exactly what happens in the book so this entire conversation has quite an intertextual feel to it.

Me: What stink of artifice.

A_____: Couldn’t have put it better myself. (pause, sudden distressed look) You’re not going to put this conversation in the novel are you? Because that really would not be a good idea. It would seriously look like you’re running out of ideas and resorting to tawdry metafictional games.

Me: I am planning to put this in the book.

A_____: Well, that doesn’t surprise me in the least.

Week Ending

Reading the Guardian weekend magazine does strange things to my brain. I’m not sure what exactly: it’s not like I’m consumed by rage, or class envy or boredom it’s just, well, ennui.

Take this week’s example, apparently Tim Dowling is growing a beard (and they say Twitter is inane) and beards in general are “going up”, something to do with David Beckham apparently. Keith Flett must be dancing for joy.

Oh and Lucy Mangan, it’s people eating Kit-kats like they’re normal chocolate bars.

And people sweeping on a wet surface.

Thanks.

Inaugural Teh Pullitzar Prize!11!!lol

Now that October’s Gashlycrumb Tinies-esque experiment is over, I can return to normal blogging, which is a relief. I’m not the most topical of bloggers, but I do like to be able to react to current events.

On the apparently sandwich-eating-featuring twitter, Patroclus and myself discussed there being a possibility of there being a Pulitzer Prize for citizen journalism, with a potential prize made out of sweet wrappers. To avoid getting sued and to make the name more intertubey, it has been changed slightly to that above.

What with me supposedly doing the old National Novel Writing Month, blogging should be lighter this month, so what I’d like is your suggestions of your favourite bits of citizen journalism.

It can be anything you like really, just something interesting off a blog really.

Who knows, this may become a regular feature, if I can be bothered and I get enough suggestions (hint hint)

October Blog Experiment Part 26: “Z” Is For Zippity Doo-Dah

Well this is it. I have spent a whole month going through the alphabet with blog post after blog post.

How was it? Well it was a mixed bag, to put it mildly. The fact that I HAD to do the blog posts (I’d promised) provided my incentive, but reading through the whole thing, I can really see the dips where I just couldn’t be bothered. I’m not sure they’re visible to anyone else, but I can see them (it’s like hearing a recording of your voice) and they make me cringe every time.

Blog posts should, all being well, be rather sparse in the next month as I will be attempting to write a novel. I have tried this twice before and have failed both times. I don’t think I will succeed this time, but the aim is get much nearer this time.

If I completely fuck it up then blog posts will be forthcoming. In an ideal world, I will still be doing blog posts as a break. As to how many, I will see.

See you on the other side.

October Blog Experiment Part 25: “Y” Is For Yani

My knowledge of Greek musicians is rather limited. I’ll admit not to having heard of this Γιάννης Χρυσομάλλης fellow. I am familiar with Ευάγγελος Οδυσσέας Παπαθανασίου but that’s about it.

According to Wikipedia:

His music is frequently described as “new age, though he prefers the term “contemporary instrumental”.

I can’t say I blame him. Here’s one of his tunes:

Love Greek moustaches.

October Blog Experiment Part 24: “X” Is For Xenon Flashes

X is always a problem when you are compiling alphabetical lists.  Recall those lists with pictures you used to get as a child, often they’d end up with some odd word like “xylophone” or “xenophobia”*

Likewise with this experiment the same problem rears its ugly head. I didn’t end up cheating and using words like “eXtra” or some similar monstrosity, but I am hampered by my lack of knowledge of “xenon flashes”.

I know what xenon is, it’s a noble or inert gas, but I’m not sure if it flashes. Surely it is neon that is the flashing neon gas, if such a designation is allowed amongst chemists.

* I may have made that one up.

October Blog Experiment Part 23: “W” Is For Wastrel

Writing a list of things to do is a good start. A good start to the list is “actually sort out some of this appalling fucking mess” and then breaking it down into areas and types of fucking mess.

Makes the job more palitable.

It also has the advantage of delaying the moment at which clearing up the mess must commence. For added delays, try adding things like “make a cup of tea”, “drink a cup of tea”, “take you shoes off and put them on the coffee table”. This makes the list longer and as everyone knows, a longer list is better. Especially if you can immediately tick off several items on it.