El-ahrairah Is Here
One thing that seems to be becoming more common and that annoys me somewhat is when they advertise some music, or a film and then say “available at Tesco’s or Sainsburys or Woolworth’s for £8.49″ or whatever, as if that is the only place you can buy it.
I was already irritated by a music advert when this happened and when the one of the songs on the record they were advertising sounded familiar, I thought “Blimey, Art Garfunkel has let himself go a bit.”
Of course it wasn’t Art himself but the songwriter of that song from that film about rabbits: Mike Batt advertising his new album. Apart from that song, Mike is also famous for songs about recycling animals in South London* and scientifically dubious songs about bicycles in China.
Now there is a rule to how you present yourself when you are a “real songwriter” and here’s my non-definitive list.
- If you are female you have to be staring wistfully out of the window and rather than a photograph of yourself, use a oil painting.
- If you are a pianist you have to be stood or sat next to the piano but not actually playing it. Think that you are introducing the piano to your family with a theatrical flourish.
- Look pained. There are these thoughts right, that I have, and the only way I can get them out is by composing these like songs.
- Don’t be posh, although you can be over 30.
- If you are a guitarist, the best approach is to lean on the neck of the guitar as if you’re saying “this guitar right, it’s my best, and probably only friend”
- Sit on a bed, but make sure you include a counterpane rather than a glamorous blonde. That will give entirely the wrong image.
- Don’t look like the kind of person who will spontaneously produce an acoustic guitar and/or bongo drums at a party and start playing them, much the the embrassment of everyone present. The only time you are allowed to do this is when you invite a group upstairs to your room to smoke weed. Do not use the “would you like to see my etchings?” line.
* When I first saw the Wombles I thought they were singing “the Wombles of Wimbledon / Common are we” i.e. that they were common in Wimbledon not that they lived on Wimbledon Common. I obviously wasn’t familiar with the Enclosure Act at that time.
Because of the Womble connection, whenever I see/hear Mike Batt’s name (I have no idea what he looks like), I picture Bernard Cribbins.
Great man, Mike Batt. Composer of “Snookering You Tonight” for that snooker tv quiz show.
‘Nuff said.
Didn’t Batt do the “Zero Zero” musical? I remeber the song “Love drives you crazy” It was a sterile futuristic scenario.
I thought exactly the same thing when I heard the Womble song, Billy. But to complicate matters, I couldn’t decide whether it meant that there were lots of them, or that they all smoked Lambert & Butler and dismantled Cortinas in their front gardens and watched ITV.
The great Chris ‘Motorbiking’ Spedding played on the Wombles records. I bet Herbie Flowers did as well.
MaxBob – He doesn’t look much like Bernard, more’s the pity.
Istvanski – I thought that was Captain Sensible. Or did he just sing it?
Llewtrah – I’ll admit, I have no idea at all what that is.
Tim – Surely the Wombles would recycle their dismantled Cortina.
I almost spat my supper across the floor when that Mike Batt ad came on – it is sooooo bad it is hilarious. It is better than Mulligan and O Hare – in fact – I am sure that was the reference for it. It is extraordinary that anyone would let someone parade themselves in such a buffoonish fashion for all to see.
It is a bit Mulligan-ish isn’t it? Why did he do it I wonder…