When I Look Into Your Marvellous Eyes, I Remember That I Have Some Laundry To Do

I have long been of the opinion that I am no good at any kind of fetishism, sexual or otherwise. The problem is simply that I am far too indecisive. If you have any kind of all-consuming quirk, you generally know by the onset of puberty, but I had no such revelation. Therefore my stock line is “I’m not so much vanilla as skimmed milk”.

If sex and violence use the same part of the brain, then I think sex and drugs do too. After all they are usually paired together in what is usually referred to as the Dury triptych.

When I was around 14, somebody handed me a cigarette. It didn’t have much effect, it didn’t even make me cough like it does on the telly and in films and books, which disappointed me. Therefore I didn’t become a smoker, not because I didn’t like it, because I guess only about 5% of teenagers actually like smoking, but because it was all too much hard work for very little return.

Picture the scene: you are a teen who has decided to start smoking. First of all you have to chose a brand (where I grew up everyone was into Lambert and Butlers – classy) and then you had to go to the shop and buy some, hoping the whole time that you’d get served. And what was the net result: standing on a street corner trying to look grown up. If cigarettes got you high, I’d understand a lot more why people bother smoking.

Not long after that, someone passed me a bifter. Now that was even more hard work. Okay, it did make you sleepy and giggle a bit, but you had to go and buy rolling tobacco and papers (thus the same problems outlined above) and then find someone willing to sell you some weed and then you had to sit there and “skin up”, which is far too much like hard work and then you get all paranoid on your way home than you stink of smoke and what will your parents say and such things.

This must be multiplied by a million if you have some unspeakable sexual quirk (or even a speakable one). Far too much hassle in my opinion, I think I’ll stick to what I know.