*cough* This Is What Passes For Real News – *sneeze*

Have you ever coughed in the middle of sneezing or vice versa? Or have you ever done that annoying think where you call someone a prick, for example, whilst you’re coughing in an attempt to disguise what you’re saying.

If so, the Daily Mail want to hear from you, probably with a view to stringing you up in due course. Take the recent news story about some 15-year boy who pretended to sneeze and wipe his hand on the back of David Cameron’s jacket. Now if I had been there, I would have applauded him until my hands were sore. But this is Daily Mail land here so the headline states:

Nabbed: The yob who used back of Cameron’s coat as a handkerchief

Overkill much?

The tone of the story is typical Mail from the use of the outraged onlooker, reference to the youth’s “aspiring musician” status and being expelled from two schools, not to mention the horror that his mother is unemployed (you know if this had been a story about some respectable teenager his mother would have been a “housewife”) and his father is a retired disk jockey. And then this:

He said his musical and fashion inspiration is the junkie singer Pete Doherty.

“But I don’t like all his drug taking.”

I personally think the Mail are disappointed that there were no hoodies involved as per the previous “incident” they reference in the article.

The one thing I don’t understand is that from the footage, it is obvious that he didn’t really sneeze and was just pretending. I think this has got to be one of the greatest non-stories ever covered by the Mail.

But the comments, oh for the love of God, the comments:

Disgusting little toe rag, he should have the cost of having the suit cleaned deducted from his ‘job seekers’ allowance.

- Chris, N E England

Fifteen year old on job-seekers allowance (nice scare quotes by the way). Nice to see Chris actually read the article in question.

What a charming little oik. His parents must be so proud of him and it makes me wonder where my taxes go and also of all we hear about the next generation being so deprived and having so many problems. Before the human rights rubbish took over he would have been clipped round the ear and that would have been the end of it. As it is he will probably be treated as a “hero”..

- J.M. Battershill, Mitcham

I’m not sure where tax-payers money comes into it. Or indeed human rights. Or indeed anything.

If he’d hit Cameron in the face with a cast-iron frying pan their reactions could not have been any worse. Thankfully there’s this one.

This dirty, disgusting, unemployable thug should have been incarcerated on the spot. And the young lad who wiped snot on him should have been given a medal.

- Josh, London

Maybe there is hope in the world after all.