Oi, Oi, Saveloy!

Now I quite like food, in most of its forms, but there are a few items of food that I have an irrational dislike of. Top of the list is the humble saveloy.

Picture the scene, you stumble into a chip shop and on display are some bits of battered fishes, a selection of pies, sausages, battered sausages and an evil bright red sausage: the saveloy. Sausages on their own fill me with a kind of involuntary nausea, laden as they are with the eyelids and arseholes of our porcine chums. I haven’t eaten a sausage for years, except for a couple of occasions when I was being polite and so ate the sausage. But if someone had given me a saveloy to eat, I probably would have tried to throw it out of the window or put it in my pocket to dispose of at a later date.

The last time I had a sausage from a chip shop was one afternoon when the tube had gone completely tits-up: some shit-gibbon was walking on the tracks near Ravenscourt Park apparently. I was therefore forced to make the best of this and walk home from Chiswick Park. This would have been fine, except from some inexplicable reason I went the wrong way and was half-way into the depths of Acton before I realised. I turned back and found my way back to the station and then attempted to walk home again, this time in the right direction.

I passed a chip-shop and I was so hungry I ordered the first thing I saw: a battered sausage and chips. I left the shop and sat down on a nearby bench. I had one bite of the sausage and a wave of nausea washed over me, it was greasy, tasteless and if I ate the whole thing I knew I would chunder. So I put it to one side and ate the chips.

As I walked home afterwards I could still taste the sausage and I looked for something strong-tasting in the kitchen to get rid of the taste.

Now multiply that feeling by a million and you will have some idea of it would feel for me to TOUCH a saveloy. I dread to think what would happen if I accidentally ate one of the fucking things.

The nearest I came to touching a saveloy was when I worked in a chip shop and one fell on the floor. I used the tongs.

Well I didn’t want to touch it with my hands did I?