Uppers And Downers

Travelling as I do on all kinds of public transport, I see all kinds of people. Obviously I try not to stare at them too blatantly, usually looking out the window instead. But why do some people seem to make me want to look at them? It’s not quite the same set of facts that, for example, makes me want to jump someone’s bones, but there may or may not be a related set of factors.

These also apply to people I see out and about, although obviously the time period of being in proximity of someone in that kind of situation is considerably less.

There are also the reverse set of factors, which I should I suppose mention as well. Here is a in no way definitive list.

Firstly, the positives:

• Red haired people who are looking slightly flushed in the cheeks.
• Muffin tops. It’s just tummy cleavage, what’s the problem, exactly? Some people do it very wrong, granted, but there are exceptions.
• People reading complicated books I can’t even pretend to have read. In fact I’d revise that to anyone not reading any of the free papers.
• People who are so into the music they’re listening to they tap on the armrests or mouth the words. People actually singing are annoying, but I love the mouthing. The first time I saw someone doing it, she was reading at the same time and I remembered the line from (I think) from an Elmore Leonard book where the character says “You can tell he’s stupid his mouth moves when he reads” only to realise it was the music, not the book.
• People who ask if they can take the paper behind me. Okay, they are reading the free papers, but at least they’re polite.
• People who fall asleep and remain sound asleep until they reach their stop and they get up without so much as a panicked look.
• Suits with trainers.

And the negatives:

• Hats – with notable exceptions, probably.
• Taking shoes off. For fuck’s sake you’re not at home.
• Kissing. Just about excusable on the late night transport.
• “Snug-tug” scarves.
• Applying make-up. No excuse, I mean you don’t see me eating my breakfast on the tube. Much.
• You do know you can walk from Tottenham Court Road to Oxford Circus in no time at all? And you have southern English accents and your apparel suggests you’re not a tourist. No excuses.
• People who stand within 1/4 inch of me. Give me some space you fucker! I wonder if “accidentally” elbowing you in the kidney will give you the message.

Feel free to suggest your own.