Totally Wired

I like things with wires on them better than cordless things. Cordless things have the unfortunate side effect of making me pace. Pace repeatedly, back and forth all over the place.

In the days when you just had a phone at the end of a fairly short piece of cable, on a phone that tired you out dialling the numbers, especially if there were lots of 9s and 0s it was okay, but first cordless telephone came into the world and then mobile telephones and all hell broke loose.

It’s not just telephones though. One of the happiest times of my life was when the remote control for the TV broke. It made watching television a whole new, and better experience. Trust me.

I just can’t sit still or stand still when I’m on the phone: up the stairs, down the stairs, into the bathroom, absent-mindingly picking things up off the floor, pouring a glass of water, making a cup of tea, throwing things on the floor that should be there, moving things out of the way so that I can sit down, quickly look something up on the internet while I’m here, you get the idea.

Before I had a mobile phone, I had to go to the public phone down the road to make a call. I can’t remember the last time I made a call from a public call box. It’s impossible to pace in a public call box, the space inside one isn’t great enough to allow such things and the lead is too short.

Adding to this is my hatred of making people listen to my generally inane conversations. When I hear people talking in public on their phones the ones that wind me up are not the fantastically inappropriate ones (they are at least entertaining) but the boring ones: usually about what the person is having or would like to have for their dinner. Made worse by the fact you can’t hear half the conversation, and the fact that I’m inevitably hungry, making even the most disgusting foodstuff sound dangerously inviting.

Even a saveloy sounds inviting.

As I was tucking into my lunch today, sat on a bench near to the nearest spot of greenery near my work, I watched a young woman on her phone, pacing up and down and all over the grassy part. Just like I’d pace had someone rung me up at that moment. That wouldn’t happen though, as my mobile phone was in my desk drawer at work. On silent. As it should be.

I wished I had a helicopter, as I could have plotted her movements on a graph and put them on here. That probably wouldn’t have been very interesting though. I was tempted to produce a mock-up on Paint, but I really couldn’t be bothered.

Best parts:

1. When she flicked her scarf absent-mindedly and caused a load of pigeons to go mental for no reason. Well there was a reason, really I suppose, just not a reason why I’d do anything. Then again, I am not a pigeon.
2. When she blocked the path of the man trying to empty a nearby bin for an excruciatingly long length of time. To his credit he didn’t do anything.

It was compelling viewing, much better than being in work.