My National Novel-Writing Novel Has Jumped The Shark

Me: So… what did you think of the novel, then? Please be brutally honest.

A_____: (attempting to be diplomatic) It’s okay. I liked bits of it but thought as a whole it needed a bit more structure. I like the premise and I can see a possible ending, but it does sag dreadfully in the middle.

Me: Fair point, after all I am attempting to write the whole thing in the space of a month… and I am not a proper writer yet. It’s part of this National Novel Writing Month thing. Although I’m not a citizen of the nation in question, it is still allowed for me to enter. Which can only be a good thing.

A_____: It’s an admirable thing to attempt, I must say. How does it work?

Me: In short you have a month to write 50,000 words. As the month is November, you get 30 days, which makes about 1,667 words per day.

A_____: And how are you getting on with it? You’re behind I take it?

Me: (mock-indignant) How dare you? (normal tone) Yes, yes I am. As I’ve mentioned countless times before, I have no discipline. I’m trying though. I don’t think I’m going to manage it this time. I’ve done much better than previous years, but I still haven’t quite made it yet.

A_____: There’s always next year.

Me: Yes, indeed there is. And it’s all good practice for my writing. Let’s face it I need the practice.

A_____: Yes. One thing I’d like to ask you…

Me: Yes?

A_____: The character of “Ariane”. Is she based on me?

Me: (defensively) Why would you say that?

A_____: Well our name’s begin with same letter for one. Secondly she’s the same age as me and from your description she looks like me. Thirdly some of the events that take place between Ariane and the narrator are clearly based on events in our shared history. I assume the narrator is based on you. He certainly talks like you.

Me: Oh he is based on me. He does a different job and is approximately 20% more misogynistic, but he does share a lot of my traits, exaggerated for dramatic effect.

A_____: (laughing) And he is completely dripping with lust for this Ariane character. (short pause, teasing tone) Are you dripping with lust for me then?

Me: (a bit too quickly) No, no of course not. Actually the character is based on two people. You’re one of them, but part of the character is based on someone I used to work with.

A_____: And are you dripping with lust for her?

Me: No, not really. Look, the character does a lot of things that I would do, but he isn’t actually me.

A_____: Have you shown her the book yet?

Me: No, I haven’t. Now I don’t want to be rude, but she’d be too nice. I know you’d tell it like it is.

A_____: Good point. Although there’s still one thing I don’t get…

Me: Yes?

A_____: Why I’m talking in this strange way. I don’t normally talk like this.

Me: I’m paraphrasing our conversation. It would have been a bit odd to have taped it.

A_____: I’m not sure I believe you.

Me: Okay, I admit it. I haven’t really shown you the book at all. In fact this entire conversation is taking place within my own head.

A_____: Well that certainly explains a few things, chief amonsgt them being why I was talking like you, rather than my normal speech patterns.

Me: Yes, sorry about that. But until I become a proper writer, I’m not going to be very good at writing convincing dialogue.

A_____: So, this conversation is how you imagine the real conversation we would have been having had you showed me some of the book?

Me: Yes.

A_____: Except for the rather unconvincing dialogue.

Me: Yes, sorry about that.

A_____: It’s okay. But this has made me think, why haven’t you shown me the book? Is it because you are afraid I’ll be critical? I don’t think so, as you’ve stated before you chose to show it to me precisely because I am critical and will tell you what you should be told rather than what you want to hear. I can only conclude that it is because I will notice that the character is based on me, because it clearly is, despite what you say about it being based on someone else, and you are concerned I will then think you are infatuated with me and act accordingly and everything will be awkward.

Me: Yes, that’s me bang to rights.

A_____: Furthermore, this is exactly what happens in the book so this entire conversation has quite an intertextual feel to it.

Me: What stink of artifice.

A_____: Couldn’t have put it better myself. (pause, sudden distressed look) You’re not going to put this conversation in the novel are you? Because that really would not be a good idea. It would seriously look like you’re running out of ideas and resorting to tawdry metafictional games.

Me: I am planning to put this in the book.

A_____: Well, that doesn’t surprise me in the least.